This is for all types of relationships. All are welcome LGBTQ+, Polycurious, Monogamous, Kitchen table poly, or anything in between.
*Advice*
It is important to know by engaging in any open relationships it can bring up your shadows, fears and triggers at a much faster rate than a monogamous relationship. Most non-monogamous partners are not attachment style informed and may not know where their partners or themselves are on their trauma healing journey.
So let's look at why open relationships are becoming more popular. One of the biggest reasons is we are stepping into a new paradigm where people are talking about and learning how to go after their desires. This doesn't just mean in relationships, it means in business, friendship, and how they want to be treated in the world. We are learning a lot about what our FUCK YES’s are and and our FUCK NO’s. By doing this it also helps a lot with our self-confidence and self-esteem. A lot of the conscious community is learning how to unpack the conditioning that's been put on by the patriarchal society of monogamy. It makes sense why 53% of all first marriages end in divorce.And one in three of those marriages issues is infidelity. This means letting go of the old Paradigm of staying in an unhealthy relationship or marriage. And one of the last ones that I know and I'm sure there's many other reasons, is the extensive amount of dating apps that are out there. This gives people the sense of the market being flooded. Meaning there's so many opportunities out there why would you just settle for one? This gives people higher self confidence in themselves and a greater opportunity to find what they truly desire in relationships.
I think it's important to also look at why people may step into polyamory or open relationship. One reason is people wanting to claim their own emotional and sexual freedom. This is a big step into your self-confidence and really building yourself worth. One of the other reasons is that we're not all built the same. That there are just some people out there who want to have more than one partner. They are just not fulfilled in a monogamous relationship.
Ways to help deal with the uncomfortable aspects that come with open relating Is taking a more guided and holistic approach to your relationship. Listening surrounding yourself with a community of people who share common interest in open relationships. Having discussions and conversations around things that unfolded between your communities interpersonal relationships can help you have a better understanding and not feel alone. Seeking help from a coach, a guide or even reading books to teach about Non-monogamy relationships can be really helpful.
Ask yourself the question, Why are you choosing an open relationship? What desire is this fulfilling? Or what fears are you running away from? There are 6 main human needs, certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, contribution and growth. This plays a huge role whether it be conscious or unconscious and plays a huge role in our joy. In most cases one person are not going to fulfill all of these 6 human needs. So I'm not telling you this to vere you away from monogamous relationships, just to help you better understood why people have curiosity or choose Non-monogamy.
Common Pitfalls in Polyamorous Relationship
Feeling jealous is a normal thing. It is not something you should be ashamed of because you are wanting to be in an open relationship. Jealousy comes up even in monogamous relationships. And if we look deeper into jealousy it comes from an insecure attachment style. Jealousy is a sign that something needs attention. It's pointing us to something important. And the two biggest things that usually points to is Attachment Style and Trauma. One way to check your level of attachment style within your relationship is the spectrum of Connection and Autonomy, and in the center is secure. And then you have your levels of anxiety in between the spectrum's. Having a conversation to learn each other's Attachment Style is so important. Here's a chart below to help you better understand where you or your partner might be in the attachment style categories.
Studies have shown in poly relationships that individuals that fall more into the category of secure or avoidant in the low anxiety section do better polyamory relationships (Left side of the diagram). And where you or your partner may change depending on the type of partner you're with. Meaning you might feel really secure with one partner, or anxious and secure with another. Maybe you're connecting with somebody who avoids emotional intimacy, has criticism, stonewalls or gaslights. So you might want to check where you're at with each of your partners if you're in a poly relationship as this might change from partner to partner.
The beautiful thing is you can earn your attachment security if you don't have one already. This takes work with your partner, therapist, having relationship groups, and support from your community. It is found that individuals in relationships tend to feel more secure when what they have is supportive or educated friends in multifaceted open relationships. And this just isn't for people who are new to polyamory but it is also really important for those who are vast in multi-fold relationships.
Jealousy is not only an inside job. It alert us to something that needs to be looked at. It's good to team up with your partner and not make it about shame or blame but to come together to look at the problem of jealousy collectively. Where is the relationship break down? I like to use the tactic of setting up a chair across from you both and setting the problem in the chair. This takes it out of the interpersonal breakdown and puts it in a more collective problem-solving environment. Its good to look at jealousy in a relationship as “the rightful fear in frustration of a real relationship inequity”. So jealousy sometimes is pointing us to legitimate needs that are not being met. Like losing something that is precious to you. So when there's a breakdown in a relationship that has a level of jealousy it is so important to get to the core of what are the needs, wants and desires that are not being met? What are the fears that are coming up for your partner? And if you are unable to get to the core of the jealousy or you bypass it you begin to create resentment for your partner. This is a slippery slope that can lead to all kinds of issues. And as you work through these feelings of jealousy it is important to remember that humans interact with people in different ways. Meaning just because I do one thing with one of my partners doesn't mean I'm going to do it with my other partner.We have different ways of relating and that's just what it is. This is where it can also be really important to learn conscious and compassionate communication skills, like nonviolent communication.
Love is a drug. YES this is true. We have chemicals in our brains that we are addicted to releasing. Endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. These are the good feelings drugs. These are ignited when we meet somebody new that we are into. The first chemical that is released in our brain when we find something new and exciting is Endorphins.This is the adrenaline and the heart pumping sensation. This is known as NRE (new relationship energy) Then there is oxytocin.This is one of the good feel chemicals that make you more engaged and curious about another individual. Then serotonin is the goodfield drug. This is the chemical that stays at its peak during the honeymoon phase of a new connection. And there's a pitfall within this as our body could only sustain releasing that amount of Serotonin and Oxytocin for a time until we become depleted. This is when the high is gone. And usually can lead to a crash afterwards.
If you have established a good relationship with this individual this is where the next phase comes in where you start developing intimacy. One of the myths that need to be looked at and identified this time if you're with a partner who's exploring a new partnership is “I can fall in love and do whatever I want”. And one of the common things that take place with individuals when they first really learn about open relationships is they find themselves with somebody who is already on this journey or also open to exploring open relationships. This gives them a sense of security to explore open relationship. After some time what happens with newbies is they're so excited with their new found freedom that they want to try everything on the menu. What happens is they forget that they just created a sense of security with another person and issues start to arise. Just because you're in an open relationship does not mean you are single. You are not immune to comparison, competition and jealousy. Unless you had explicit agreements it's somebody that you were only exploring sexuality with then what you're exploding is a relationship and it comes with these difficult aspects. This is the part where we need to take more consideration and work on communication. This is especially important if you have a current partnership and you are exploring another relationship. Your other partner is sitting on a time-bomb. Well they might be open and allow you to explore this new relationship without speaking about their discomforts, the discomforts of these things are still happening within them.
We don't come with the same factory settings. Throughout our life we have had different relationships that taught us different ways of how we want to relate on a more intimate level. Some people might have a background of having multiple relationships for years and some people might be coming out of a monogamous relationship. A big thing that can take place is the speed at which people are deep in connection with others. I for instance go really deep with an individual and fall in love fast. This means that I tend to focus the majority of my energy on a single person for a long time. This is again where communication comes in and it's your partner's responsibility to speak their desires and needs within connecting with you. And within the relationship that is built on love is to set aside the time to fulfill the needs of your other partner so they do not feel abandoned. And do not push on your partner that their feelings or emotions are theirs and they need to stay in their center and deal with their emotions on their own. No! we're in a relationship. The way we choose to relate and communicate with one another affects each other. So do not gaslight your partner. And some people might come from an attachment style that attains more abandonment wounds. Having this conversation early on or wne you choose to connect with another person can help bring a deeper sense of security with your partner. So I want to touch on going fast in relationships. Yes this might be a factory setting for some of us and we must be aware of how it affects our other partner. This abrupt change in relationship whether you have an abandonment wound or not can really be tragic in your relationship. So one of the key things In an open relationship is “Slow is Smooth”. T6his gives time for the person you love to really process and feel through their emotions in connection with you instead of dealing with it on their own while you are connecting deeply with another. And yes I understand this might kill the honeymoon phase of your new connection. But a honeymoon phase is also a pitfall and itself as it usually overlooks some of the red flags and focuses on the high that we get in a NRE.
So if your factory setting is more of a monogamous relationship style It might take you a little more time to feel secure and your relationship with your partner as they open up to a new partner. And if you open up to a new partner you'll probably have some things come up like, questioning your love with your other partner, is that other partner the right one for you?, and if you're in a primary partnership, is the primary partner im with really what I want or do I just want to be open, relating and free? Just because you open up your relationship does it mean that these things magically disappear. They have to be worked through. This is where you have to be malleable. Creating your polyamory relationship agreements and be flexible with the growth, change and triggers that come up with your partners. Relationships should have a nonlinear temporality that allows us to make mistakes and grow and learn and through the experience deepen intimacy (read my blog Love Sex and Death to learn more about Temporality). And through the ability to be malleable shows your ability to love your partner in their growth edges that they're meeting. And through this you will definitely feel more closer and connected to your partner. A good agreement is to never make a decision that will disrupt harmony of your existing relationship. And if change needs to be made that it is made collectively. This might look like stopping in the connection you're making with the NRE and tending to the relationship that you've built and has longevity with, especially if this individual has abandonment wounds, which a lot of us do.
Books to read to learn more about open relationships:
Polysecure Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy
Open Relationship Type Guide, A Premiere on Non-Monogamous Relating
More Then Two
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